I recently found myself in a reflective place in parenting.

I was butting heads more often with one particular child while also being frustrated with my entire motley crew.

Thoughts were teasing me that I was done with this whole parenting gig.

Especially as I have been enjoying the more affirming parts of my adult life lately: guest teaching, workshops, retreats, worship sets, seminary classes, and anticipating a part-time homeschool facilitator job starting in a few months!

In these very middle stages of life, with the big 4-0 as a reminder, I knew I needed some mindset shifts and a fresh vision for these middle years of parenting and homeschooling.

When my children were young—like six children eight and under—I regularly signed out parenting books from the library, but it has been a while since I immersed myself in their encouragement.

After hearing a podcast interview with Kim John Payne a few months ago, I was on the waitlist for every single one of his books at the library.

While I still await his other popular books, two made it to my nightstand at the right time!

Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst is a unique parenting book focusing on “our adult world of emotional self-regulation as it relates to family life” (208).

Growing in self-compassion and self-awareness over the years has been so helpful in shifting me out of the fight/flight/freeze states in relationship triggers and allowing me to gain perspective quicker.

Yes, it does start with us!

Likewise, Soul of Discipline equips parents with helpful frameworks for their changing roles throughout their child/children’s developmental stages while unearthing family values and providing many great tips.

I had to smile when I noticed Payne provides an analogy in both books taken from a leadership book on my spring semester course reading list!

The analogy is from Leadership On the Line by Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky.

The encouragement is to take a balcony view. Step back, detach, witness, gain perspective, and see the situation from a new vantage point.

I love these phrases to get on the balcony while remaining connected to your child or teen:

“I can see this is hard for us.”
“I can see this is not going so well.”
“I can see this really bothers you.”
“I can see that you probably need some space now. We can find out what is bothering you a little later.”

After we’ve taken this step back and made space and observations on our own, we can begin to ask questions like,

“Can you help me understand how you see it?”

Payne notes that these phrases, “I can see” and “help me understand,” provide a de-escalating tone, especially helpful for sensitive children.

God has blessed us with wonderful children, and without reflection, I knew the problems were mostly on my end.

Upon reflection or taking the balcony view, I could see it had been a busier-than-usual month for me personally, with several extra commitments and deadlines like a final exam.

At times, I struggled to be fully present in my soulful rhythms, such as reading, walking, journaling, praying, and reflecting.

No matter our responsibilities and commitments, we must be disciplined enough to slow down and recalibrate after an intense time or season that has brought us out of rhythm. Otherwise, when the speed of life doesn’t match the speed of our souls, there is a great cost.

This cost usually starts with our most valuable relationship and goes from there.

As much as I preach soulful rhymes, I am not immune to the addiction of being busy. As I get into a faster pace, shifting to a lower gear can be hard as the adrenaline and momentum (and often anxiety) build.

When my responses to my children exacerbate our conflicts, I know some deep work is needed, and it usually involves slowing my pace.

What better visual for slowing down than going up on a balcony for a while?

While it is great to have some tools in our back pockets, and Being At Your Best offers many, in Soul of Discipline, Payne gives three vivid titles for parents' roles at different stages that are helpful for daily interactions.

The Governor (0-9)

This period is key in laying a foundation for safety, boundaries and appropriate responses to direction and authority.

Emphasis on… “I will decide.”

Interestingly, Payne counters the ever-popular parenting perspective of giving young children a lot of choices or stating requests and direction in question form, explaining how this open-ended approach is disorienting at this developmental stage.

The Gardener (10-13)

This stage experiences a new dynamic of consultation, listening, encouraging and responding to the tween's perspectives while maintaining a flourishing environment for all family members.

Emphasis on… “Tell me your plans. I will listen carefully and then I will decide.”

The Guide (14-19)

Here, we move into a mentoring role, helping chart their path to fulfill their visions.

Emphasis is on… “Let's figure out how to stay close to your hopes and aims.”

These roles are fluid, and parents may need to revert to an earlier stage for an hour or day, for example, if the tween or teen is not positively contributing to the family environment.

Payne does a brilliant job of unpacking these stages and so much more.

Soul of Discipline has encouraged and reminded me that I have children in all these different stages and need discernment for what is appropriate as I switch hats by the minute.

Reading a chapter from these books each morning recently has given me hope and created the cushion needed in relationships with my children!

I haven’t begun to share all the insights in these books, but maybe you grabbed a tool or encouragement.

Those of us who parent or work closely with children have a wonderful opportunity to guide young souls to reflect the image of Christ.

It is not an easy job, nor entirely up to us; it takes a village, including the good work of the Holy Spirit, the best counsellor!

One of the messages that brought me to tears in my recent Synoptic Gospels course in seminary was the literary device inclusio.

The Gospel of Matthew demonstrates this refrain technique, beginning with the birth of Emmanuel, meaning “God with us,” and closing with this repeated message when Jesus, in the Great Commission, says, “I will be with you always.”

These bookends bring reassurance: Our children, teens, and adults have a faithful God we can trust to govern, garden and guide!

He will be with them—always!

And he will be with us as we remain vigilant, doing the deep work of healing—working through struggles and breaking generational strongholds—so we can offer the best version of ourselves to those we love.

If you've recently doubted yourself when dealing with your littles, tweens, teens, or adult children, I pray you feel less alone and regularly join me on the balcony for reflection.

I love hearing from readers!

Feel free to share your reflections in the comments below or on social media.