My Half-Dozen Births
This was originally published in the “Growing Families” Summer 2021 edition of Birth Issues Magazine.
Krista Zerbin Photography
When the beginning is marked with plus signs, flutters, and first breaths, the end is oh so quiet.
Like the final time I held my toddler to breastfeed, or when I unknowingly stuffed a dirty diaper down the diaper genie for the last time, or when the crib slid out the door in pieces on Mother’s Day weekend.
My sixth baby is turning three this month and over the last year, I have said goodbye to a decade of birthing babies.
The Beginning
It was on Family Day in 2009 when my husband, Benj, and I decided to pray about the possibility of growing our family, and of course, it would be on that same weekend, one year later, when our birthing adventure began!
Annelise Heidi – February 16, 2010, at 10:52 p.m., 8 lb, 9 oz, 21.25 in
Pregnancy suited my body like a well-fitting dress.
There was some tiredness and heartburn in the later months, but mostly, I was a content pregnant mama with balanced hormones and the healthy skin, hair, and nails to prove it!
My first encounter with the struggles of motherhood came in labour.
I battled fears as back labour wore me down hour after hour.
My husband and I were a strong, yet naïve, team. I was tenacious and figured I would be able to push through all levels of pain to birth a baby.
After 20 hours of intense back labour, I was cautioned that bearing down during the urges to push was causing my cervix to swell. My body needed rest, and the doctor insisted an epidural would help.
Fear of the unknown and pressure from the medical team, even after my husband requested more time—which was totally disregarded—resulted in an epidural at 9.5 centimetres dilated.
The final three and a half hours dragged on with a confusing mix of pushing and resting, where we wondered if the doctor had given me the epidural because they were so busy.
Once the doctor stayed with us for a focused time, I dug deep to push out my first baby.
Annelise was healthy; I had a few minor tears to mend. But the disappointment of losing the momentum of natural labour with an epidural could not be repaired as quickly.
I was even more disappointed to read later that in situations like mine, midwives or doctors often hold back the cervix as the mother pushes past the lip. My doctor didn’t suggest this option, but the silver lining was that this experience was the catalyst to shift my birthing paradigm!
Our new daughter was welcomed with a steady stream of visitors the next day, and we left the hospital exhausted. We were given the responsibility to nourish a little one, but she was lethargic and hard to breastfeed.
Two days later, I sat sobbing in the NICU watching my newborn suntan under blue lights to help pass bilirubin from severe jaundice.
Within 24 hours we were able to return home for a second start. The adrenaline from a long, intense birth left my body tired and my mind wired.
This hindered bonding and contributed to sleep deprivation. I also struggled with breastfeeding and perfectionism, which made me feel like I was failing in some area every day for those first weeks. I received assistance with nourishing and monitoring Annelise’s growth and she became an amazing sleeper by her third month.
I enjoyed exercising and reading books when she was napping and began the journey of my own inner healing.
One of the books I read was on midwifery care.
Benj listened patiently to all that I was discovering. The idea of birthing at home felt scary at first, but the more I researched, the more I was reassured that Alberta midwives are trained to deliver low-risk births. If the case was otherwise, my course of care could transfer, and living just five minutes from the Grey Nuns Hospital was also reassuring.
But that wasn’t our next challenge.
Little D – due September 27, 2011
It was only ten days, then blood and a blood test, followed by a kind doctor uttering the words, “blighted ovum”, but all I heard was broken heart.
No life had developed after that first spark that created a plus-sign of hope.
I was encouraged to rest, so every afternoon for a week I would crawl into bed, after putting Annelise down for her nap, and cry myself to sleep. It was hard to put words to our loss, but we slowly reached out to some family and friends in our grief.
He gives and takes away, but blessed be His name. (1)
With such an early miscarriage, no waiting was needed, and the next month we were expecting!
Ethan David – December 4, 2011, at 11:41 a.m., 8 lb, 4 oz, 21 in
All our research and planning culminated on a chilly winter morning as I sang what sounded like low opera in a warm birthing pool.
We were having our first homebirth!
My beautiful midwife, who had birthed twelve of her own children and taught me piano lessons as a child, checked me for the first time when I started to feel like bearing down.
In her gentle way, she assured me I was fully dilated and could push. Those words were redeeming after my first labour.
Pushing was work and took a couple of hours, with long rests between contractions. I didn’t feel grounded in the water, but eventually, our second baby was born in the birthing pool. My husband even helped with the delivery. The umbilical cord was unwrapped from around the neck and we looked down at a familiar looking baby—a boy this time!
I was so thankful to be home as we weathered eye infections and colds that first week.
This time I was better at slowing down to rest, bond, and work on my milk supply. Ethan had some jaundice but passed it naturally. Extra feeds and comfort suckling may have made him gassier and fussier, as I was overcompensating from my first experience, but he settled into a good sleep routine.
By nine months we were open to having another baby. I did not realize Ethan would be running at 11 months and embody his name’s meaning—strong—in every way in that second year!
Faith Ellianna – June 6, 2013, at 12 p.m., 7 lb, 14 oz, 21.5 in
My third labour and delivery reflected all the glories of spring.
Early labour signs came and went for a few days until finally things blossomed. I was fully dilated and assured I could push after my faithful midwife did her first check!
I remember tears as the playlist my husband orchestrated filled our room. These weren’t tears of fear or pain but of awe and gratitude. It was a profoundly spiritual experience, knowing I was ready to deliver another baby after such peaceful hours of labour. I was certain we were having a little girl.
I got out of the birthing pool to try a different position for pushing and paused at the end of our bed.
I squatted and groaned out our third baby!
I stood in shock as Faith was passed up to me to awkwardly cradle. The umbilical cord was around her ankle, but I held her as it was unwrapped and found my way to my intended destination to rest in bed.
This was my easiest delivery and recovery. We attended a wedding when she was 48 hours old and enjoyed a refreshing summer season. Nursing a newborn in the sun as two little ones played at parks was blissful.
By fall, I was not feeling like myself, so I visited a doctor, had my blood tested, and discovered my thyroid hormones were not at an ideal spot. With the help of desiccated thyroid extract, I was able to achieve an optimal level and have boosted my thyroid hormones this way ever since.
With the baby and toddler stage in full motion, why not add another child?
Julia Grace – January 6, 2015, at 5:30 a.m., 8 lb, 6 oz, 20.5 in
We wanted to do something different for our fourth pregnancy and found out the gender for the first time. Another little girl was on the way!
Labour was straight-forward: a slow and steady build-up with long breaks between contractions.
We knew the birthing pool worked well as an oasis for labour, but pushing worked better for me on land.
When I was checked, my midwife cautioned me not to push yet as there was a cervical lip. I was 9.5 centimetres. She confidently held back the lip and encouraged me to push through it to a redeeming 10 cm, healing all that I had gone through in my first labour.
It was at the foot of our bed, again, that the most adorable cherub of a cabbage patch doll was welcomed!
Julia had a white spot of hair, like an angel kiss, at the top of her forehead, which is now a pretty blond streak in her dirty blond hair.
My midwife had to leave quickly for another birth, so as a precaution, and to help combat the fear I had about hemorrhaging, she gave me medication to prevent excessive bleeding.
Unfortunately, my body did not respond well to this drug, and I felt panicky, cold, and shaky within minutes of swallowing it. I thought maybe I was hemorrhaging.
I wanted Benj to call 911, but he calmly assessed the situation and contacted my midwife.
She reassured us these were rare side effects of the medication.
The side effects wore off and later my midwife apologized and assured me she would have stayed longer if there had not been other important calls that morning.
Gavin John – September 24, 2016, at 8:04 a.m., 7 lb, 15 oz, 20.5 in
Since pregnancy was a remedy to my spiralling postpartum hormones, it was a relief and joy to be expecting our fifth baby at the start of a new year.
Ethan was jumping up and down when he found out he was going to have a brother!
My hands were full with homeschooling a household of young children, so I made sure to invest in some Saturday mornings out alone and a daily rhythm that fed my soul.
I wanted to have my healthiest pregnancy and watched my eating, exercised harder than ever, gained the least amount of weight of any of my pregnancies, and built strength and resilience.
I also sensed a need to prepare my heart more for labour, so I invested more time reading my Bible and praying.
Labour began routinely in the late evening, right around my due date like the others. The next morning, I was in our bedroom ready to push and could hear our four kids hunched over their cereal bowls with my mom, who was about to take them to her place.
My midwife checked the baby’s position again (after breaking the amniotic sac) and discovered a worst-case scenario.
Baby had already been in a sunny-side-up position, or at least partially, heading into the birth canal, but now, our little guy was found wedged into a face presentation with the body still facing up. (2)
I knew from research and stories this was concerning!
We agreed on a precautionary trip to the hospital, and since I was already fully dilated and feeling urges to push, an ambulance was the safest way to transfer.
Everyone scurried around to pack things up, and my mom insisted I put on pants and shoes before I waddled outside to the sidewalk in my housecoat as the kids peered out the window.
It was amusing when the paramedics arrived and asked if I was the midwife!
Fear grew through the bumpy five-minute ambulance ride and short wait in the emergency hallway.
Why wasn’t anyone doing anything?
Another contraction came as I was wheeled into a labour and delivery room.
I felt panicky.
A nurse offered me some laughing gas to calm my breathing. It made me pretty light-headed, but was a good distraction. The doctor made some attempts to manually move the head, to no result.
My midwife was not officially practicing, as midwives did not have privileges at the Grey Nuns Hospital at that time, but suggested I turn onto all fours. I am so grateful for her suggestion and the openness of the hospital staff.
I felt empowered realizing I was not being whisked off for a caesarean section.
Maybe I could still give birth naturally!
As I balanced on all fours, bold words came out of me, “Gavin John, in the name of Jesus I command you to turn!”
This was a moment where my body, mind, and spirit worked together in faith. I turned back over and was checked by the doctor. The baby’s head was not only tucked back up but he was also turned over from sunny-side-up to face-down, perfect delivery position.
It was time to push. Praise God!
The same midwife who had been by my side for five births now, asked if I liked peppermint and passed an essential oil bottle in front of my nose, encouraging me to focus because it was time to deliver my baby.
Gavin arrived easily, with a loose knot in the umbilical cord, and after a few hours at the hospital, we returned home incredibly relieved and grateful.
In the months to follow, we knew we were not finished having children but recognized a larger gap would be wise.
Hudson Benjamin – September 22, 2018, at 3:08 p.m., 8 lb, 12 oz, 21.5 in
Gavin was fifteen months old, the new year had kicked off, and Benj and I were heading to Maui to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary when we decided we were open to another baby.
Nine months later we were welcoming our anniversary gift!
Early labour was extra slow and long with my sixth birth. I went out for a fondue night with friends, feeling contractions throughout the evening and all night long. Labour picked up by morning, and by mid-afternoon, our caboose was born after an intense pushing session at the foot of our bed, right where Faith and Julia were born!
We celebrated Gavin’s second birthday two days later.
For five months, I had six children, eight years old and under.
Surprisingly, our last two babies were fussier, perhaps because they were born at the same time of year and caught colds in those early fall weeks.
The exciting and challenging part of Hudson’s postpartum season was that we found a great next home for our family when he was just a few weeks old.
We transformed the home with a full renovation project on the side of our already full lives and moved in early spring!
I am still amazed at the grace and strength we had to weather and accomplish all we did that year.
One more birth
As I look back over these six births and one loss, I realize I missed one.
That once-young mother who strived to hold everything together with fear, perfection, and control slowly broke free, birth by birth, to find a more integrated and whole version of herself!
This kind of beauty only comes through loss and struggle.
Loss of expectations, control, and sometimes even a baby...
Struggles through long labours, sleepless nights, and postpartum hormones…
My heart was remade like the process of metamorphosis, and I don’t look or feel like the woman I was at the start.
As I embrace this life of grace, I am learning to trust wider, love deeper, dream higher, and hope longer.
It is all the goodness of God.
This decade was only one season in motherhood; there is untold joy and pain ahead.
For as Ann Voskamp says,
“A mother’s labour and delivery never ends and you never stop having to remember to breathe.”
One thing is certain: I will never stop breathing deep for my half-dozen.
1. Paraphrase of song lyrics. Redman, Matthew, and Beth Redman, “Blessed Be Your Name,” Where Angels Fear To Tread, Worship Together. 2. Sunny-side up means that a baby is head down, face looking at mom’s belly button, and baby’s spine against mom’s back. This presentation is a variation of normal. Face presentation means that a baby’s neck is fully extended so that the first thing to be birthed would be the face. This is an extremely rare occurrence with a high risk of complications, especially of trauma to the baby’s face, eyes, head, and neck. Nzozone Fomukong, et al., “Management of Face Presentation, Face and Lip Edema in a Primary Healthcare Facility Case Report, Mbengwi, Cameroon,” The Pan African Medical Journal 33: 292.
